Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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