I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
It's like God shit irony all over that family
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
