yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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