Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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