well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
