Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
too bad you live with your parents still
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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