I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
