I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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