Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize