I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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