Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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