youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
