Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
