I am full of burrito and curiosity
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
