; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
no more duck duck goose at the bar
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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