if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
