you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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