just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
