I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
