Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
