words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
