i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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