look no pants
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
He had one of those small greek statue penises
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
