I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
