I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You ruined the universe
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
