I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
