I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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