he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
So squirting runs in the family.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
