I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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