Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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