Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
