its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
