Just cropdusted the office
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
