He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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