I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
