Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
