Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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