I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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