I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
