I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
