dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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