Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
