Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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