its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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