Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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