she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
