I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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