I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You pole danced in your parka.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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