We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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