Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
