Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I checked into jail on foursquare
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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