I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
