so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
