mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Ladies don't puke and tell
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
