Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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