Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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