I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
The Olympian is in my bed
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
