K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just google imaged poop.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
