I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You took a bar mat shot.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
