I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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