he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize